It began on February 20th as I sat in a monastery in Conyers, Georgia. The deep harmonies of monks echoed against stained glass as I sat with brush and paper in hand, desperately trying to feel…not dead. I asked the Lord to give me a picture to paint, but I was really asking him, “Please show me any sign of life in my heart”.
Did you know you can ask The Creator to speak to you with words and pictures? It’s magical. And I knew about it. But I had been too busy to access that beauty, living in anxiety and apathy, induced from my own self-loathing. I had been living in this for months.
I stared at the blank page, low vibrations filling my ears, terrified that I’d end up with a boring painting. Filled with no life. But instead, I received a beautiful picture of a yellow daisy, surrounded by a circle of colorful wild flowers. And The Creator led me to write “It is spring time in my heart”.
I cried tears of hope. The days after that were filled of the color yellow, and my vision was filtered with this joyful hue.
Exactly one month later, March 20th, on the First Day of Spring, I did some inner healing work with a ministry team. I didn’t plan that. Anyone who knows me, knows that I do not keep up with dates. I actually just now made the connection that both of those events happened on the 20th!
That night I released control over my life, began breaking down established walls in my heart, and began trusting the Holy Spirit again.
A lot happened that day, but essentially, I felt like the weight that I was constantly being held over my head for months was finally gone. The next day my husband, Adam, and I rejoiced with happy tears and thankfulness. Spring had truly come in my heart.
Here’s the thing: The Creator had been nudging me to get away and have “retreat” days with him. But I never listened. I was too busy trying to run my life (unsuccessfully). I thought that doing work was more important, which we all know is not true.
If I had any self-compassion, I would have listened to the nudging and allowed myself to retreat, recharge, and analyze my life.
If I had allowed that time for self-analysis, I may not have needed an intense inner healing session. But I am thankful it happened in this way. I am thankful for the freedom to make mistakes and the freedom to be drawn back into life and beauty.
The Creator has compassion on us, and we are to have compassion on ourselves.
For some personalities, self-loathing is so easily crippling. My dearest friend struggles with it. Whether this is your struggle or not, I pray that the Spirit will nudge you more towards freedom and life.
I want to echoe this verse in Philippians : “In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy… being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion…”.
If you are looking for some simple practices to begin self-compassion:
Here is a short podcast with a 2 minute meditation on non-judgment.
Journaling a small amount daily can also help with self-analysis and discovering what the Creator is nudging you towards.
Any other suggestions? Share with us and comment below with your own practices of self-care and self-compassion.
I hope that as spring comes you will create space for your heart and mind to be renewed and refreshed, because you are so worthy of healing and love.
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